Once upon a time, there was a girl who was in love with a guy. This guy meant everything to her and she thought things were going to end perfectly and they'd live happily ever after. One day, life got in the way (and so did other people) and kicked her in the face. From there, that girl fell down and couldn't get back up. She made the wrong decisions in her life and all the way, her "perfect guy" tore her ego and intellect apart. This strong happy young lady became weak, sad, and even pathetic. She isolated herself from her friends and turned away from her family, in hopes to make the wrong person happy. It took A LOT of people, a fantastic support system, and love from many random people to push her through all the pain and let go of everything and the person hurting her. She found things to do on her own and learned how to exercise to release endorphins and stress positively. She had to learn and think positively and let everything go so she could start all over again. It took a very long time, but she finally is the woman you see today.
For the most part, I am happy and enjoying my life. I still work out twice a day and I'm a personal trainer. I work hard at everything I do and I have made great friends. I have a boyfriend who constantly looks out for me and cares for me. My only issue is the fact that every once in a while, I'll have dreams that haunt me about my past and I'm always afraid the same things will happen all over again. I'm terrified of being dropped off and being left behind and alone to find my own way home, I hate when people press the "ignore" button when I call (especially if I need to talk to that person about something important), and I can't stand being called a liar. If it's one thing I've learned not to do, it's to lie to someone you care about. Once you do that, there's no trust left in your relationship and that means there isn't anything else to hold onto. I guess you could say I have some sort of "post traumatic stress disorder," except it wasn't from a war. Instead, it was from a hurtful relationship that took a toll on me emotionally.
I've come a long way from those days. I used to sit in my room, brood, and pity myself. I'd call my friends and complain about how depressed I was about my life and how much it sucked. I used to think there was no one in the world who could understand the way I felt. I always wondered what life would be like for everyone without me in the picture and at one point, I really just wanted to get away from it all. I'm so glad I didn't. I'm glad I kept fighting and struggling to keep my sanity, even after all the pain kept creeping back into my mind. I took all I could take and I finally snapped. I've become this witty, independent, social being who can be polite and outspoken all at the same time. I've learned that professionalism goes a long way and that it can help you greatly in the future when it's needed. I know I've also been a great partner for my significant other and I do my best to stay level headed at times, but there are days when I just lash out and get upset. I try not to get upset too often, but there are times when I just want to punch things. I know that being upset doesn't give me a reason to act out or become violent, but that's something I continually have to work on because it's one of my greatest flaws.
I've always been an overly emotional person. I have learned to hide many things from people so many people don't know what I truly think because I never want them to use it against me. However, my vulnerability comes back whenever I experience something traumatic that brings my past back to my present. For example: if I call someone and they don't pick up and deliberately ignore my phone calls for no reason, it leads me to believe they're angry at me or upset and I NEED to know why. They may have not picked up the phone because they were busy or they weren't near their phone, but in my mind, things happen because of my own doing and it might have been possible I did something to upset that person. If my boyfriend does that to me, I won't be able to sleep until I figure out why he is doing that. My mind makes me think I have a problem or he has an issue with me, rather than just letting me relax and calm down. It's at times like these where I feel like I need to find a place to relax and think... and I guess that's why I'm writing about all of this now.
I've never really opened up my thoughts and feelings on this subject because I always wanted to seal up the bottle that brought those emotions upon me. However, these feelings are coming back to me every day (partly because my boyfriend and I are having a few issues) and I've started becoming insecure about myself again. I know I can do better and figure things out, but I somehow have to get through this. Does anyone else experience this? I wonder if I'm the only one. I hope not. Maybe someone can lend an ear and chat.
I've come a long way from those days. I used to sit in my room, brood, and pity myself. I'd call my friends and complain about how depressed I was about my life and how much it sucked. I used to think there was no one in the world who could understand the way I felt. I always wondered what life would be like for everyone without me in the picture and at one point, I really just wanted to get away from it all. I'm so glad I didn't. I'm glad I kept fighting and struggling to keep my sanity, even after all the pain kept creeping back into my mind. I took all I could take and I finally snapped. I've become this witty, independent, social being who can be polite and outspoken all at the same time. I've learned that professionalism goes a long way and that it can help you greatly in the future when it's needed. I know I've also been a great partner for my significant other and I do my best to stay level headed at times, but there are days when I just lash out and get upset. I try not to get upset too often, but there are times when I just want to punch things. I know that being upset doesn't give me a reason to act out or become violent, but that's something I continually have to work on because it's one of my greatest flaws.
I've always been an overly emotional person. I have learned to hide many things from people so many people don't know what I truly think because I never want them to use it against me. However, my vulnerability comes back whenever I experience something traumatic that brings my past back to my present. For example: if I call someone and they don't pick up and deliberately ignore my phone calls for no reason, it leads me to believe they're angry at me or upset and I NEED to know why. They may have not picked up the phone because they were busy or they weren't near their phone, but in my mind, things happen because of my own doing and it might have been possible I did something to upset that person. If my boyfriend does that to me, I won't be able to sleep until I figure out why he is doing that. My mind makes me think I have a problem or he has an issue with me, rather than just letting me relax and calm down. It's at times like these where I feel like I need to find a place to relax and think... and I guess that's why I'm writing about all of this now.
I've never really opened up my thoughts and feelings on this subject because I always wanted to seal up the bottle that brought those emotions upon me. However, these feelings are coming back to me every day (partly because my boyfriend and I are having a few issues) and I've started becoming insecure about myself again. I know I can do better and figure things out, but I somehow have to get through this. Does anyone else experience this? I wonder if I'm the only one. I hope not. Maybe someone can lend an ear and chat.
